There’s a furor a-brewing over at Atrios’ place. It seems that radio host Michael Graham appeared on Hardball and defended Boston Globe columnist Bob Ryan’s witty quip about wanting to smack Jason Kidd’s wife. Graham’s explanation? “I found the line a joke. It was a joke. It was just an off the cuff comment. Anyone listening to Hillary Rodham in her speech last week about patriotism, that screaming, screeching fingernail, I wanted to bludgeon her with a tire iron. That’s what I wanted to do.”

Ba-dump-bump! Yeah! Thank you, ladies and germs, and drive safely.

Now Graham’s sending Atrios emails bemoaning the left’s lack of fun - after all, Graham’s remark was a joke as well! “I remember the days when it was Conservatives who had no sense of humor. Does it truly move us forward for the Left to lose theirs, too?”

Graham’s clearly enjoying this. His site has him crowing with glee at how humorless the left seems to be about all this.

Not that Graham doesn’t have some sort of point, I guess - we all need to relax. The guy doesn’t really want to bludgeon Hillary with a tire iron.

My beef with Graham’s remark is on completely different grounds: His joke is not funny. Not that it’s not funny because of the horrific and real problem of violence against women in our society, and etc. Nope. As a humorist, see, I am deeply offended that Graham would continue to defend a joke that was simply not funny, regardless of more PC considerations.

Sure, humor is subjective. But, as Atrios mentions, there’s really no joke there. Graham apparently lacks the comedic skills needed to make beating women really funny. Let’s examine…

An example: Back when I used to teach improv, I’d often land students like Graham - lacking the artistry or natural funniness to mask their anger adequately, they’d just give the rest of the class a huge case of the creeps. One student I recall found an excuse to kill her mother in every scene, even scenes that didn’t involve mothers. Talking to her after class, I learned that she genuinely believed that we all found her matricidal antics hilarious.

That may be why I don’t teach a lot anymore.

Graham’s problem is similar. His little bon mot even lacks the heavy-handed irony of Ryan’s remark; there’s no history behind beating Hillary Clinton, no back-story to draw on. “Bludgeon” is not a bad word, humor-wise, but “tire iron” is a non-starter. “Ball peen hammer” would’ve been a more amusing choice, if a bit too evocative for maximum laffs. “Monkey wrench” suffers from being a bit obvious, though it might’ve worked. Me, I’d of gone with “brained her with a croquet mallet,” or something a little more creative, like “beat her senseless with a mackerel.” Just as violent, but hey, it’s fish!

Even with a quick rewrite like that, though, Graham’s joke has no substance. Hillary’s got no place in the joke - her only resemblance to Joumana Kidd is that she’s a woman whom a man finds annoying. That’s enough of a connection to make a point, of course, but not to make it a real “joke.”

So what could Graham have said? What would’ve been less offensive to me as a comedian? To put it in broad terms (or broad-beating terms. Hey! Thank you!), he needs to bring both Hillary and himself into the equation more elegantly, to provide both context and timing. Here are some suggestions:

The Bait-and-Switch - “I can’t really support Bob Ryan wanting to smack Joumana Kidd. Now, if he wanted to take a coal shovel upside the head of Hillary Clinton, that’d be a different story!”

The Idle Thought - “Now come on, Bob Ryan doesn’t want to smack Joumana Kidd any more than I want to bludgeon Hillary Clinton. Come to think of it…”

The Retract-athon - “Really, if I said I wanted to horsewhip Hillary Clinton for that speech she gave last week, that wouldn’t mean I really wanted to do it.. Though I do. No, not really. Maybe a little. No, really, no. At least not so it’d leave a scar. I’m kidding. No I’m not…”

The Righteous Man - “Honestly, what is this country coming to when we allow a man to talk about beating up women on national TV without once mentioning the pressing need to bitch slap Hillary Clinton?”

Any one of the above would’ve been far less offensive to humorists on both sides of the aisle. Mr. Graham, you should be ashamed of yourself for demeaning and blackening the name of comedians everywhere with your horribly insensitive slur on the entire art of humor.

We await your apology.