Friends, Americans, Countrymen;

It’s with great pleasure and a sense of duty that I hereby announce my candidacy for the office of President of the United States of America.

It won’t be an easy campaign; I’m not a “front-runner,” I don’t possess a lot of “name recognition,” I don’t really have any “money.” But what I do have is heart - miles and miles of heart. And a vision for America.

My campaign will be about ideas, not about petty squabbling, name-calling and finger-pointing like the campaign of that namby-pamby Howard Dean. I won’t hide behind my “record” like John Kerry. I won’t float unprovable allegations about my competitors the way that possible spousal abuser John Edwards does.

The special interests don’t own me. In fact, they haven’t even offered. That hurts a little. In fact, if any special interests are listening, please give me a call. But my point is that I’m a friend of business, big and small. Business is the business of America, and I’ll make it my business to make your business my business.


[Candidate Adam Felber is a man of the people who can
talk to the fat cats.]

My ideas are what set me apart from the other candidates: I favor growing the economy, securing our homeland, maintaining a strong defense, creating jobs, making health care more affordable, educating our children, and ending the partisan bickering in Washington. I vehemently oppose unnecessary spending, crime, foreign invasion, and eating babies. I will not waver on these issues. In fact, if you need a first slogan for my campaign, perhaps you need look no further - “Adam Felber: He Doesn’t Eat Babies.”

But who is Adam Felber? He’s an upstanding citizen who has paid his taxes almost every year. He’s a devoted family man who’s been happily married for more than five months. And he’s an entertainer whose off-beat good looks and natural charm give him the ability to communicate equally effectively with farmers, executives, world leaders, and supermodels. And there’s his humility. Always with the humility.


[Adam Felber: Chicks dig him. And he respects chicks.]

As I set out on this great journey that starts in Brooklyn New York and ends at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I ask that you join me. My Presidency will be fair, impartial, and will benefit all Americans equally. But let’s face it, it never hurts to get in on the ground floor. And remember, there are many ways to show your support, and cash is not the only way. There’s checks, for instance. And credit cards. And in-kind donations like fancy dinners with big portions and a decent selection of small batch bourbons. Be creative; express your generous activism in your own unique way.

Because at the end of the day, this is your campaign. I’m only benefiting from it. Together we can revolutionize America in a manner that doesn’t inconvenience anyone. We can build a noble, compassionate, selfless American society where everybody’s rich and good-looking.

That’s the America that I see, and that’s the America that you can be part of. Or you can watch it all from a tiny cell in Guantanamo Bay. It’s your choice. And I hope I’m your choice. God bless you, and God bless Americans.