Monthly Archive

As promised, here’s a rundown of last weekend’s big event, the beautiful nuptials of Carl Kasell and Mary Ann Foster. Though I’m not generally known for my Society Page reportage, I’ll try to keep things relatively Roxanne Roberts-esque.
The ceremony was tasteful and moving. Yes, Peter Sagal officiated. Yes, yours truly mangled a […]

Bush signed his tax cut today, hoping that this new attempt will stimulate the economy.
Why can’t Bush stimulate the economy? Doesn’t the economy find him attractive? Hasn’t he shown the economy his love and devotion, creating an environment wherein she can feel safe to let herself go a little bit?
Well, no.
Maybe it has […]

“We have to eliminate the safe havens where the terrorists are, and Iran of course has some of the al-Qaeda members.” The US accuses Tehran of working towards building nuclear weapons - a charge Iran denies.
- from the BBC
From: Paul Wolfowitz, Deputy Secretary of Defense
To: Certain Trustworthy PR Personnel
Re: The […]

Now that I’ve practiced being sworn in (see below), it’s probably time that start talking about what exactly I intend to do as President. Although my advisors tell me this isn’t necessary, and that avoiding actual positions is a proven formula for campaign success, I think it’s only fair to let you know what […]

Baghdad (F.A. wire) - The U.S. may not have found any actual weapons of mass destruction in Iraq yet, but at least one non-lethal weapon was discovered this month: The lack of any WMDs coupled with the administration’s continuing insistence that such weapons exist has produced an odd and devastating paralyzing ray which has […]

J. Lo: “Who?”
One of the burdens of possessing an E-List level of fame (just below D-List, which is reserved for local weathermen and former “Jeopardy” contestants) is that you have to provide all of your own Hot Celebrity Gossip. Liz Smith doesn’t notice what you do, unless you steal her wallet (and even […]

“I am proud of the work this agency has done,” said Christie Whitman as she resigned today, “Our work has been guided by the strong belief that environmental protection and economic prosperity can and must go hand-in-hand.”
This truth of this precept is pretty undeniable, seeing as both the economy and the environment have been flushed, […]

“Although Whitman acknowledged that in retrospect it might have been possible for the U.S. military to drive up to the hospital and take Lynch, he noted that that was not known at the time.
“‘If we had good knowledge we could drive in and take her out, we certainly would have done that rather than […]

MR. FLEISCHER: Now, if there’s nothing more…
Q: Ari, what about the reports that you’re resigning?
MR. FLEISCHER: I don’t have any information on that at the present time.
Q: No, honestly, it’s all over the wires. Apparently you made some sort of announcement this morning.
MR. FLEISCHER: I’m really not in a […]

New Novel
Now that I’ve completed my first novel (some lucky editor should be buying it soon), it’s time to begin work on my next opus. I’ve just completed an outline for the first of a seven volume autobiographical novel entitled “Remembrance of Things Plastic.” Premise: Having espied a half-eaten Hostess Twinkie on […]