Dear Donors;

They said it couldn’t be done! Back in 2000, a lot of naysayers wouldn’t have believed we could cut your taxes, make environmental regulations “optional,” cut your taxes again, emasculate the looming campaign finance reforms, and open up the largest oil fields in the world to American business. And then cut your taxes some more. But we did it! And there’s more great stuff in the works.

Of course, in order to get it done, we’ll need the help of you, our loyal donors. So we thought we’d just let you in our plans so that you could get out the ol’ checkbooks. As you know, it’ll be worth your while [Hey, Bechtel, ya think you could spare a few pennies out of that $680 million!? lol! ].

So here’s the game plan: We’re going to go in at the last minute, guns a-blazin’, with overwhelmingly superior firepower. Call it “Shock and Awe II.” The enemy won’t know what hit ‘em as we remove the guesswork, bickering, and messiness from democracy.

And we’re fixing to embed you with our frontline forces.

Some rules might have to be bent, others will have to be broken. But with our planning and your bucks, we can wage a truly transformational campaign. Here’s a breakdown of the anticipated schedule:

Spring, 2004 - The Democrats yell a lot, hold primaries, yell some more. Whatever. They’re Democrats. We raise money. The President stays out of it.

July, 2004 - The Democrats hold their convention. Yell a lot. We raise more money. The President’s too busy being President to get involved.

August, 2004 - We’re raisin’ money! Meanwhile, whatever blowhard the Democrats have chosen starts whining about “engaging” us and “debates.” Whatever. The President’s too busy. He hasn’t even started his campaign, so how could he get involved? Hell, he hasn’t even been nominated yet!

September 2, 2004 - We’re in New York, nominating our President. What? He’s right near Ground Zero just before the anniversary of 9/11? Weird! Maybe he should talk about National Security of something… [rotfl!]

Week of September 11, 2004 - President declares period of remembrance and mourning. Implies that the Democrats are being tasteless talking about “debates” and “campaigns” and “issues” at this solemn time.

October, 2004 - Advertising blitz! This is where your money really comes into play. All $200 million gets spent in a few weeks. Democrat’s ads: The economy, health care, the environment, education, blah blah blah blah blah… Our ads: Flags! Songs! Support out troops! Shock and Awe, boys, Shock and Awe.
Meanwhile, we find that the “unfortunate” late start to the campaign means we only have time for one debate. We force through a “Hollywood Squares” format and include the Greens, the Socialists, the Libertarians, and the American Alien Abductees Party. Fair is fair!

Election Day, 2004 - Major party and ball locations T.B.A.

Pretty amazing, huh? Trust me, you don’t want to be left out of this one. Get those donations in now.

Yours,

Ken Mehlman
Campaign Manager (sshhh!)