[AT THE DESK: PAUL BEGALA, JAMES CARVILLE, TUCKER CARLSON, and BOB NOVAK]

CARLSON: Welcome back to “Crossfire.” And now, to the topic of the day - “Crossfire” in the Crossfire. Why did we get busted down to a half hour in the middle of the afternoon? Have we lost our edge, or - as Paul Begala will tell you - is this further evidence of a vast right wing conspiracy?

[The panelists laugh heartily. The audience laughs somewhat less heartily.]

BEGALA (moist): Easy for you to say, Tucker, you and your insider buddies are going to be reaping the benefits of a massive new round of tax cuts for the rich while working folks have to eat cardboard!

[A fraction of the audience cheers.]

CARLSON (smirking): What? [to NOVAK:] What? [to audience:] What? I guess Paul’s failure to stay on topic was caused by a vast right wing conspiracy.

[The panelists laugh heartily. The audience laughs somewhat less heartily.]

NOVAK (ploddingly): Back to the topic at hand - I think it’s pretty clear where we went wrong. The left simply isn’t focussed. And that’s good news for the Republicans in 2004.

CARVILLE (enraged): Why I tellya sumptin grabsnap fribble-lip crawdiddy flip! Varrirrrbrgr carbadingdang over the President’s sex life! Trrmbr!

[A fraction of the audience cheers.]

NOVAK: Okay, let’s read some email. Brian in Toronto writes, “Isn’t it obvious why ‘Crossfire’ tanked? You guys shout pre-fabricated opinions and the same tired, pat old quips at each other rather than engaging in any sort of actual debate. You all are content to allow your opinions to be determined by your own Washington party allegiances rather than real political ideologies, and that makes you incomprehensible to most of the nation while you scream at each other. Then you invite a guest on who’d might as well be anybody, given that they’re just going to read their party’s daily position paper secure in the knowledge that none of you will challenge that fact. The whole show has become a cult-of-personality shouting match, which would only be interesting if any of your increasingly cartoonish personae were more than slightly watchable.”

TUCKER: Great. [Smirking:] Another insightful opinion from some Canadian. If we want you or your miserable country’s opinion, we’ll knock on your igloo.

[The panelists laugh heartily. The audience laughs somewhat less heartily.]

TUCKER (not seriously): No, I’m serious. Isn’t it time we told Canada where to get off?

BEGALA (dewy): Yeah, I guess you and Bob can afford to do that. Heck, Bob can afford Canada!

[The panelists laugh heartily. The audience laughs somewhat less heartily.]

BEGALA (positively viscous): But honestly, this guy makes an interesting point about our healthcare system -

NOVAK (ploddingly): I think that’s a cheap dodge from the main point, which is simply that the Democrats aren’t focussed -

CARLSON (smirking): I’m sure they’re only doing that because of our vast right wing -

BEGALA: Unelected! Bush-

CARVILLE (pounding the desk): GRIB FARRRRVLE!

[Everyone looks at Carville, who’s working himself into a lather.]

CARVILLE: You peple canner crreb onna zibdash freebylung, but I tellya the sumperg greeb-sneeb CARBY DA FLIIMIX!!! [standing, spitting, screaming:] Hibdibbler da CROVER! Inna plig sim sibble gavraggle tim-snib over a blow job!!!!

TUCKER (smirking): Good point, James. Whatever it was. Your president, Barbara Streisand would be proud. [The panelists laugh heartily. The audience laughs somewhat less heartily.] When we come back, Paula Zahn explains why even she is preferable to us. This oughta be good. We’ll be right back.