“WASHINGTON - Muslims at the Pentagon are incensed by what they say is an insensitive invitation to evangelist Rev. Franklin Graham, who has called Islam an “evil religion,” to preach on Good Friday at the Defense Department.”
- from Reuters


[Our guest preacher.]

Welcome, one and all. Good Friday. What’s so all-fired good about it? Anybody see anything good about nailing our savior up to a cross? I don’t. At least, nothing “good” came out of it for our Lord Jesus Christ. For us, well, that might be a different matter. But for some of our Jewish and Muslim brethren here, I may have to go back to the beginning.

See, the thing about us Christians is that we value human life. We don’t send our kids onto buses with dynamite strapped to their bellies. Our people aren’t as disposable as yours seem to be. Not that any of you here are suicide bombing fans, of course. Though I don’t know. It’s just, wasn’t it Mohammed who said, “Go ahead and martyr yourself, just make sure you take some infidels with thee?” Something like that. Guy was a jerk. But more about that later.

But you see my point: Jesus loves you, whether you know it or not. Look at all the Jews here today - you think Jesus holds a grudge about their gettin’ him crucified in the first place? Think again! Why, there are Jews all over this great Christian nation of ours, earning cash hand over fist, running television networks, lendin’ money though big secret international banking organizations, what have you. And that’s just fine by Jesus. Fine for now. It’s a start.

And that’s what I’m saying to our Muslim brothers here today. You’re fine by Jesus. Heck, your working in His kingdom. You’re halfway there. And no matter what you may have heard, I don’t think you’re evil. No way. Your religion may be the work of the Devil, but you yourselves are God’s creatures. You can go home and tell your favorite wife that you are fine by Jesus and fine by the Reverend Frank Graham.

Truly, these are difficult times. Some say the problem is Muslims, but I don’t buy that. No way. The problem is Mohammed. Now bear with me here. Jesus says turn the other cheek: Mohammed says soak that cheek in gasoline, light it, and hug an infidel. Jesus says love thy neighbor: Mohammed says consume thy neighbor’s flesh and throw his wife in your harem. I’m paraphrasing here, but you get the idea.

You think there are Jews and Christians working in Syria’s defense department? I don’t think so, and if you don’t believe me, you can ask some of the Jews here. Probably only cost you five bucks for an answer.

That’s a joke. See, that’s the thing about us Jews and Christians - we can kid each other, and it’s fine by them and fine by me and fine by Jesus. Mohammed would just get his panties in a bunch over that kinda thing. And then he’d go burn a village and rape the livestock and take a hundred Christian slaves to paddle his barge up and down the Tigris or whatever, and you can’t tell me that’s a reasonable response to a harmless li’l joke, now can you? Can you? Of course not.

And that’s where I’m heading with this: Sensitivity. “Turn the other cheek” means don’t be so touchy about every single thing. Simmer down. “Chill out,” like the kids say. You don’t see me sending an exploding baby over to my neighbor’s house every time he plants one of those plug-ugly rhododendrons right on the property line. Do ya? Nope. I might be tempted, but I only have one wife and she can’t just keep making babies every time I need an incendiary device, so I just Chill Out. It’s fine by Jesus, so it’s fine by me.

Heck, you know all this. You work for us. The kingdom of God. If you didn’t know in your hearts that you were fine by Jesus, you wouldn’t be working in His Pentagon, now would you? Of course not. You’ve taken the first steps towards comin’ in to light of His love, like it or not. It’s not like you can go back to Mohammedville after what you’ve helped us do in the last year anyway, am I right? You’ve chosen good over evil despite your putrid and satanic faith, and we’ve won the war, and Jesus loves you for that. So it’s a good day. Maybe that’s why we call it Good Friday.

Hey, for some reason they’re askin’ me to wrap it up, I see. So in closing, let me just wish a great Good Friday to all of you here, of whatever faith you currently are, and God speed you on the path to righteousness. You’re all God’s children, you’ve all come at least part-ways into the light, and that’s fine by me and - say it with me - That’s Fine By Jesus! All right!

Let us pray.