INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

[PRESIDENT BUSH sits at his desk amid a heap of souvenirs of his recent trip. Also present are COLIN POWELL, DICK CHENEY, and DONALD RUMSFELD.]

BUSH: …and then I made the speech and then we had dinner and then Tony gave me another present and then-

CHENEY: Hrrrm. That’s wonderful, Mr. President. Now, while you were -hhhrp- gone…

BUSH: … and look at this!

[He lifts a doll.]

BUSH: Look, it’s one of those Beefeater guard guys! Tony gave it to me. But here’s the cool thing - it’s like one of those super-advanced robot dolls that’s programified to act just like the real guys! Pow-Pow - try to make it crack up or something.

[Reluctantly, Powell approaches the desk.]

POWELL: Uh, say there, guard. What’s , um, new?

[Pause.]

BUSH: SEE!? Cool, huh? Keep trying to distract it, Pow. [to the others:] So, what’d I miss? Did we analygate those weapons of mass destruction?

RUMSFELD: Yeah. They were, um, fertilizer and pesticide.

BUSH: Hot dog! We got ‘im dead to rights!

RUMSFELD: Uh, no. Those aren’t weapons of mass destruction.

BUSH: Oh.

CHENEY: Don’t worry. It’s -hrrrrrrm- just a matter of time.

[An aide enters followed by the TURKISH AMBASSADOR.]

AIDE: Mr. President, the Turkish Ambassador is here.

POWELL: Excellent. He’s here to discuss the possibility of using Turkish resources to facilitate deployment on the northern front.

BUSH: Cool.

TURKISH AMBASSADOR: Mr. President, I -

RUMSFELD: Save it for Saddam, Turk Boy! We don’t need you! Hit the highway, ya mook!

[Affronted, the Turkish Ambassador bows and exits. Pause.]

RUMSFELD: Geez, the nerve of that guy, huh?

CHENEY: Er, Don. We kinda wanted to -hrrp- negotiate with him.

RUMSFELD: Oooh, yeah. Sorry. Guess I just kind of lost my head. I’ll call ‘im and apologize later.

BUSH: No prob, Rum-meister. Hey, Pow-Pow, you’re not trying to distract the Beefeater! Make faces or something.

POWELL: I don’t seem to be able to get any reaction, sir.

BUSH: Isn’t it great!? SO high tech, just like Tony said. Keep trying.

CHENEY: Anyway, sir, we -hrrp- need to discuss postwar scenarios. Perhaps form some sort of coalition to administer the new government.

POWELL: That’s why I’ve invited an Egyptian representative over. [into the intercom:] Send him in.

[The EGYPTIAN REPRESENTATIVE enters.]

EGYPTIAN REPRESENTATIVE: Good afternoon, Mr. President-

RUMSFELD: Yeah, I’m sure it’s a good afternoon for non-coms! Get lost!

EGYPTIAN REPRESENTATIVE: Um, yes. Uh, what?

[Rumsfeld approaches him menacingly, his face red with emotion.]

RUMSFELD: Didn’t you hear me, King Tut? We don’t need you! We don’t need anybody! Fuck off!!

[Rumsfeld bodily lifts the Egyptian Ambassador and shoves him out the door. Pause. Rumsfeld turns to see the others staring at him.]

RUMSFELD: What!? He started it!

POWELL: Nice diplomacy, Don.

[pause. Rumsfeld breathes, smoothes his hair.]

RUMSFELD: Sorry. Don’t know what came over me. Won’t happen again.

CHENEY: Great. Guess we have to go it alone -hrrrm- thanks to Rummy.

BUSH: Okay. Did you guys see how the Beefeater totally didn’t react to that? Is that great or what?

[Repeat and fade]