Akron, as some of you may have heard, was wonderful. The noble Akronians (and their near neighbors, the fierce Cantonese) welcomed me with open arms, all petty concerns about so-called “unpaid bills” and so-called “restraining orders” forgotten in a rush of wartime bonhomie.

I come back to a world transformed; baseball season has begun, we’re apparently fighting some sort of armed conflict in the Mideast (more on this as soon as some news service begins to report on it), and Mother Nature has seen fit to help us welcome Daylight Savings Time with a blizzard.

If any of you are wondering why this is happening, I believe I can supply the answer. It’s not the melting of the polar icecaps, divine retribution, nor the fulfillment of a Nostradamus prophecy (as in “The Eagle of the West shall find its Nest fouled with White, their Winged Chariots will fly not, and Commuters will be Screwed”). No, it’s because tonight is scheduled to mark my triumphant return to the dramatic stage (”Average Like Stacy,” not “Monday Evening Burlesque”).

Nature seems to be mercifully providing you all with an undeniable excuse to stay indoors tonight. However, if in of you feel like harnessing your dogs and driving your sledges towards the hip, desirable Williamsburg neighborhood, by all means, do. It’s going to be a terrific show (assuming it happens; as of now it is un-cancelled, but please call ahead). And for some reason I have the intuition that you might just find yourself a seat…