“At a time when American culture and values are under attack all over the world, we think it is more important than ever that we honor those achievements that reflect us and Americans at our best,” Academy president Frank Pierson told reporters in front of the Kodak, the site of Sunday’s Oscars.”
- from E! online.

A think tank would be hard pressed to come up with any world event of any degree of seriousness that did not make the Hollywood establishment conclude that it was now more important than ever to get together and hand each other statuettes. We can pray for a slightly less self-aggrandizing ceremony than last year (see March 25), but if I were a bettin’ man I’d be putting my money on a horse named Sanctimony. At least this year we’ll see our glittering overclass divided in their opinions about the war, which might make for some real entertainment.

Still, I have to confess to a bit of hypocrisy here: I am after all, marginally involved in movies and the whole wonderful Business of Show. And I love the Academy Awards.

Rather than give you a full-fledged preview, I’ll just handicap some of the bigger awards (click here for the complete list of nominees):

Best Actress - Much has been said about Nicole Kidman’s nasal enhancements in “The Hours.” If she wins, what kind of message are we sending to little girls around the world? They’ll look at their tiny, inadequate little button noses in the mirror and feel like they somehow fall short of this unrealistic and unattainable standard of beauty. Women, real women, don’t have schnozzes like that. Ms. Kidman should be ashamed.

Best Actor - All the other nominees know that a year when Jack Nicholson is nominated and might actually deserve it is not a year when one has to spend too much time preparing an acceptance speech. And of course Jack himself never devotes too much time to preparing an acceptance speech. So whoever wins, you can count on the most ill-prepared acceptance speech of the evening.

Best Supporting Actress - It might be said (by somebody far cruder than myself), that given the presence of Kathy Bates and Queen Latifah, this year’s supporting actresses needed more, um, support than any previous crop of nominees. But honestly, these two full-figured stars and their compatriots are by far the most impressive and competitive nominees this year, and yours truly has absolutely no idea who’ll win. The real winner, I suppose, will be the International Underwirers Union.

Best Supporting Actor - Another very strong and unpredictable category this year. And any one of the nominees seems capable of taking the stage and making a current events oriented statement that’ll grab headlines tomorrow morning. This may well be the acceptance speech to watch (with the exception of the inevitable heretofore unknown longhaired effects man or documentary maker who’ll say something bold and cede his right to Ever Have Lunch in This Town Again).

Best Director - Everyone’s expecting Martin Scorcese to win this one for his incredible directorial work in “Raging Bull,” “Goodfellas,” and “After Hours.” And “Taxi Driver.” And “The King of Comedy.” Have I left anything out?

Best Picture - “Chicago” is the hands-down favorite, as it is in most of the categories. Despite the lack of better-than-average singing or dancing skills exhibited by most of its stars, it’s not unworthy. And it has probably convinced a host of other Hollywood stars that they too might be capable of singing and dancing and taking parts that they’re not exactly suited for, which is sure to generate loads of cinematic entertainment for years to come. I for one can’t wait to see Michael Douglas in the title role of “Pippen.”

A note for “The Lord of the Rings” fans. Hollywood doesn’t know how to deal with a trilogy, nor have they read the books (if they had, they’d have realized that Ian McKellan needed to win the Oscar last year). So expect the only artistically valid blockbuster series in movie history to once again find itself with only an effects trophy or two. “The Fellowship” was bypassed because there were more to come; this year, hobbits are old news. Next year’s hard to predict, except for this: With the ongoing wars in Iran and North Korea, it will be more important than ever to go on with the Academy Awards and celebrate what’s best about America. The road goes ever on….