There’s been a lot of speculation that Wednesday night’s appearance by Saddam Hussein might have been pre-taped or the work of a double.

There’s considerable evidence for both of these theories. For one, the large, delicately-colored eyeglass frames “Saddam” chose to wear are of a sort that were popular many, many years ago but nowadays are generally only favored by women over the age of 60. One military analyst told Fanatical Apathy that this could merely be an attempt by Saddam to “present a softer, more feminine appearance in order to gain international sympathy,” or perhaps “a vile ploy to de-accentuate his jowls and provide a bit more facial definition.”


[Fig. 1. “Saddam” on TV “could have been taped
in the 70’s” according to top Pentagon eyewear
fashion consultants.]

Still, the body-double theory is not without merit. Pentagon sources point to at least one mustachioed marxist, long thought to be dead, who favored increasingly large eyeglass frames, had a predilection for berets, and “would certainly have enjoyed this ruse.”


[Primary suspect: Would Saddam Hussein bet
his life on this man?]

Support for this particular body-double theory comes from this recently re-translated excerpt from “Saddam’s” speech:

“If there’s one thing I’m gonna do, it’s stand up to Bush. And then I may sit down to Bush - why should he be the only one who’s comfortable? Either way, he’s going to get his just desserts. Because that’s all we have around here. Just deserts. Which reminds me - if you Baghdad, what’s Mom gonna do on Chistmas?

“I mean Ramadan, of course. Ah, Ramadan - that most holy of times where you eat and drink all night and sleep all day. I like to call it ‘Mohammed’s Bender.” And if you bend ‘er, you bought ‘er.

“Now where was I? Oh yes, in hiding. Not that I’m scared. Why, I’d take on the whole American army with both hands tied behind their back. But just in case they’re not tied up, I’m staying here. No sense in ALL of us getting killed, now is there?

“Can’t you see what I’m trying to tell you? I love you, Iraq. Come away with me, and we’ll find a nice quiet spot for our new love-nest. Someplace with better air conditioning would be a good start…”