Hot on the heels of a National Academy of Sciences study that alleges that current “clean” Alaskan oil drilling has caused significant environmental damage, Rep. Don Young is standing tall and preparing to reintroduce his bill to allow drilling in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge.
Among the so-called “details” of the so-called “NAS’” so-called “report” are a so-called “decline of caribou birth rates” and the so-called “displacement” of so-called “whales” due to increased so-called “seismic activity.” But even if this is “true,” are these bad things? Fanatical Apathy went up to Alaska to get the straight story that the tree-huggers at the National Academy of Sciences don’t want you to hear.
According to Phil, a Republican caribou:
“The 70’s were a time of excess. Too many caribou, too much food. The whole “herd” thing was really hot, and things were getting out of hand. Thank god the drilling started! As I’d been sayin’ all along, after a few million years, maybe it’s time to stop thinking in terms of a massive herd and start thinking about a stable, nuclear family.
The dirty little secret that the Democrats don’t want you to hear is that the Old Herd… well, there was a lot of dead weight. A lot of freeloaders, caribou who no longer knew the value of really having to get out there and look for food. And don’t even get me started on the crowds, the noise, the long lines at the bank. This… this is better.”
In the words of Loretta, a conservative gray whale:
“‘Seismic activity?’ That’s a myth that the liberals invented to scare older whales. Sure, it’s been a little louder and more turbulent lately, but that’s part of a natural cycle, and there’s absolutely no direct evidence linking it to the drilling. None! Has anyone proved that loud ground equals loud water? No. Democrats: Stop Scaring Cetaceans.
Anyway, most of us whales didn’t leave the shoreline because of the noise and the turbulence - I for one left because I didn’t like the other whales there. They were all frickin’ deaf! I can remember having to scream my song at some of those idiots just to get a simple “good morning.” Nope, I’m glad that Congressman Young is willing to stand up for what’s right. After all, do we really want to turn back the clock to the bad old days when oil came from whales?“
Fanny Roborat
8 comments
Kris
March 11, 2003 at 2:04 pm
1Wilderness is overrated. After all, look at how many successful planets there are that have absolutely no wilderness at all. Heck, Jupiter doesn’t even have a solid surface, and it does just fine.
I say drill it, we don’t need it anyway.
prmantis
March 11, 2003 at 3:29 pm
2hahahahahahahaha
prmantis
March 11, 2003 at 3:30 pm
3okay, usually i think such a comment (see above) is a waste of bits - or bytes… whatever — but it really was all i could say while reading this piece —-
Nigimukimongomilibomo
March 11, 2003 at 8:43 pm
4We need the seismic activity in order to lose weight. Due to the very cold winters up here, we native Alaskans need to conserve our own body heat, but all of that inactivity merely reduces our body’s aerobic ability. The seismic activity moves our bodies, even when we are sleeping. Fat just shakes right off. It’s so good, it should be in an infomercial on our one cable channel.
tim
March 12, 2003 at 9:03 am
5I say we put together a posse of Hummer H2’s and mow down all the caribou. Problem #1 solved. The whales? We’ll just add “Moby Dick” to every grade of the “No Child Left Behind” curriculum to spark a new generation of deep sea whale hunters. Problem #2 solved. Life is so much easier since I started thinking like the Bush Administration.
jfallwell@blinders.on
March 12, 2003 at 10:04 am
6Don’t forget the real upside- predators and scavengers are moving in. That increases the diversity in the caibou neighborhood. And, it was accomplished without Affirmative Action or quotas. This is democracy at work people.
Also, the report doesn’t even mention the use of birth control. It is all due to a break down in family values. Those elitist, liberal, alternative life style caribou are the problem. The real God fearing, family value honoring caribou are reproducing just fine.
CulturalVacuum
March 12, 2003 at 8:24 pm
7I’d be laughing harder if I wasn’t so busy crying over the Bush administrations comprehensive, unrelenting assault on all forms of environmental protection. This country is going to wake up from celebrating George’s little escapade in Iraq and re-electing his cracker ass to realize that he and his corporate cronies have raped the country beyond recognition while we were all distracted. Who, me bitter?
Liam M.
March 13, 2003 at 1:09 pm
8There was a genuinely appalling Op/Ed piece in yesterday’s NY Times* from two of the Bush administrations people explaining that the best way to preserve the Wetlands is to let private industry take care of it.
And hey, maybe we can put Mobil in charge of the Alaskan wilderness while we’re at it.
* The Amazing W. #232, where Bush fights the dreaded Hippy Longstocking. ‘Nuff said, - Ed.