“He was interested, he was listening to me. We were very frank and clear … of course I think he appreciates the efforts of the Holy Father…”
- Cardinal Pio Laghi, on his meeting with President Bush to express the Pope’s Iraq concerns.

LAGHI: …and that is why the Holy Father implores you to seek a peaceful resolution to this crisis.

BUSH: …

LAGHI: So, um, thank you for listening.

BUSH: No problemo, amigo.

LAGHI: So… I hope you consider His Holiness’ words.

BUSH: Oh, yeah, well… I think we’re gonna attack.

LAGHI: But that should be a last reso-

BUSH: Uh-huh. Now look, Skeeter-

LAGHI: -”Pio.”

BUSH: Right, it’s a nickname. “Skeeter.” Suits ya.

LAGHI: Oh. Thank you.

BUSH: Look, I have a huge amount of respectitude for Popey. We’re both men of faith, strong faith. We both live by our faith, eat and sleep faith, faithitty faith faith.

LAGHI: I understand. You are men of faith, both of you.

BUSH: Exactly! Good point, Skeets. But you need to understand - if you tried to say to Saddam what you just said to me… ya know what would happen?

LAGHI: Well, I don’t see how that-

BUSH: You’d get your cojones nailed to a speeding truck or something. That’s what they do there.

LAGHI: That’s not -

BUSH: Is that what you want? A world where a man’s private parts get nailed to a speeding truck just for speaking his mind? Is it?

LAGHI: No-

BUSH: ‘Course not! It’s a bommeration.

LAGHI: But I have never heard of this being done.

BUSH: Well, neither have I! That’s the point! They got the whole place sealed up tight! That’s how they getcha.

LAGHI: I see. But back to the role of the U.S…

BUSH: They could be towin’ little old ladies by their cojones for all we know.

LAGHI: Do little old ladies have these-

BUSH: Now that’s just not right! Even you gotta admit that. Poor ol’ ladies.

LAGHI: Let us return to the issue of the United Nations.

BUSH: I guess they’d hafta do the nailing before the truck got moving.

LAGHI: I wonder if you might consider amending your current UN resolution to accommodate -

BUSH: Or I guess they could nail you while you were inside the speeding truck, and then kinda pitch you out of it.

LAGHI: - to accommodate a looser time frame to allow the disarmament process to -

BUSH: It’d be kinda funny if it was a cartoon, actually. Heh heh.

LAGHI: - to proceed? Perhaps then the message of a unified world would be heard even in Baghdad.

BUSH: Uh-huh. Good point.

LAGHI: Yes? You’ll consider it?

BUSH: Of course, Skeeter - I’m a compassitive listener.

LAGHI: I’m grateful.

BUSH: We’re gonna attack first, though. First things first.

LAGHI: But, but -

BUSH: That’s my secret plan, ya see? Keep it to yourself, though.

LAGHI: I don’t understand.

BUSH: Listen: First we attack, get that ol’ regime change, send in Uncle Dick’s friends, and then we help seek one of those diplomatical solutions. And then everybody likes us again. See? Everybody wins. Popey’ll like that, huh?

LAGHI: No, see, that makes no sense at all, because-

BUSH: Great. Hey, picture time! Gimme your hand. Smile, Skeets!

LAGHI: My God, how on earth could a man be so-

BUSH: Cheeeeeeese!

*CLICK!*