Using Al Qaeda’s state-of-the-art “Blue Collar Suburban Neighbor” disguise, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed hid in plain sight for months up until his capture yesterday. He was easily the most glamorous of Al Qaeda’s senior leadership, prompting one U.S. intelligence official to remark, “Yikes.”

[Photo: Khalid Shaikh Mohammed - Al Qaeda’s millionaire playboy
with “a taste for the high life.” Presumably Miller High Life.]
And now comes the tough part - the interrogation. Fanatical Apathy has obtained a list of The U.S.’s Questions:
- What were you doing so far from Iraq?
- Where’s Osama bin Laden? In Iraq?
- Seriously, you’re just trying to distract us from your secret hideout in Iraq, right?
- Say, didn’t I see you at the Baghdad Flower Festival last June?
- No, I’m sure it was you. Why deny it?
- That’s a nice undershirt. Did you get it at Baghdad Bernie’s? That’s where I get all my undershirts…
- Would you like this tasty sandwich? Just say the magic word.
- No, the magic word isn’t “Please.” It’s “My organization has deep and significant ties to Iraq and Saddam Hussein.” Can you say that?
- Yes, we realize that’s more than one word. This really is a tasty, tasty sandwich, though…
Etc. There’s no doubt that this is a huge success in the War on Terror. There’s also little doubt that the fact that Mohammed got to enjoy several months of hiding in plain sight in an ally’s back yard not far from Afghanistan might indicate that the U.S.’ intelligence organizations have put too much focus elsewhere. Perhaps some of the experts who’ve been putting together visual aid vials and line drawings of Evil Trucks for Colin Powell to dangle menacingly in front of the Bulgarian ambassador could have spent their time more profitably ringing a few doorbells in Islamabad.
That sounds ungrateful, I suppose, and I’m actually thrilled by the news. But we shouldn’t forget that Mohammed wasn’t captured by the U.S. alone. We relied heavily on the help and resources of something called an “ally.” And this particular ally’s on pretty shaky ground - the enormous anti-American, pro-al Qaeda faction there could easily be goaded into open rebellion by something as small as, oh, say, a US-led forcible regime change in a nearby Islamic nation.





18 comments
craig
March 3, 2003 at 2:20 pm
1Who would have guessed that John Belushi faked his own death so that he could escape to Afghanistan and join al Qaeda?
It makes ya kinda wonder about “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind” after all
Raya
March 3, 2003 at 3:32 pm
2He sure is a dreamboat…
Bobby
March 3, 2003 at 3:39 pm
3It’s because Americans are so hated that that guy hid in plain sight. Shoot. Bin Laden is probably a regular at the Heesh Hosh House of Hashish, smokin up, watchin the halftime beheadings on Al Jezeera ESPN.
N in Seattle
March 3, 2003 at 4:37 pm
4You mean that isn’t Ron Jeremy?
tim
March 3, 2003 at 7:01 pm
5This is one of those times when I thank God for the American Media. Showing people we love to hate at their very worst is what they do absolutely best.
Mike Z
March 3, 2003 at 7:59 pm
6The only thing I don’t understand is why the head hole in his shirt is so huge. Do al Qaida undershirts need to be made for people with horns? Or do they just like showing off their thick, luxurious body fuzz?
I wish I could feel some comfort from this arrest, but I get the feeling that this is a lot like the war on drugs. There’s no single person whose arrest will make the problem go away for very long.
hummingbird
March 3, 2003 at 8:00 pm
7This guy is guilty of just about everything the Bushies say he is guilty of. We know that. We saw it on US TV. Seriously, it was amazing luck that he was arrested just at the time Bush was coming under pressure for sidelining the War on Terror and spending too much time accusing Saddam of everything including WWII and thus planning his downfall. And this guys photo is stunningly similar to the photos of him on the FBI website, so I’m pleased they got the right man. We can sleep easy now.
MeanTim
March 3, 2003 at 8:37 pm
8Nah, I’m a regular at the Heesh Hosh House of Hashish and I haven’t seen Osama there.
Hunter
March 3, 2003 at 9:04 pm
9… and somewhere in Paradise, 72 virgins are saying… “Oh, God, no…”
Miel
March 3, 2003 at 9:04 pm
10Oh my God! It’s my cousin Larry! What did they promise him to get him to agree to this? Larry–just hang on. We’ll get you out of this, I promise.
prmantis
March 3, 2003 at 11:23 pm
11who’s ron jeremy???
Hunter
March 4, 2003 at 1:48 am
12Khalid was caught — in spite of his brilliant “creepy drunken uncle” disguise — when he wandered out of his house wearing a shirt saying: “I blew up the World Trade Center, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.”
In related news, Pakistan sources indicate that Al Qaeda does not yet have a deployable leave-in conditioner, but several Al Qaeda operatives have been captured near the Afghanistan border with vials of something marked “Pert”.
An anonymous White House source confirmed that Al Qaeda is no more than six months away from full lather-rinse-repeat capabilities.
Linkmeister
March 4, 2003 at 2:38 am
13The t-shirt idea is startlingly similar to one I had; a few years back a financial fraudster was arrested out here wearing a logoed t-shirt from the outfit I worked for. Damn near gave the owner apoplexy.
Linkmeister
March 4, 2003 at 2:39 am
14Oops. Hit post too soon. I was thinking the guy should have been wearing a Bush 2004 shirt.
Beerzie Boy
March 4, 2003 at 10:58 am
15Hey, who stole the photo of my dad?
Lizzie
March 4, 2003 at 4:00 pm
16What does the Geneva Convention have to say about back waxing? I know how we can get that man to talk…….
Thrash
March 4, 2003 at 4:12 pm
17What you mean you guys don’t have a t-shirts with a neck size of 83? That picture is freakin great!!!
Susie
March 5, 2003 at 1:22 pm
18Seriously, wasn’t he found at his parents house? Or was I dreaming on this one?