To: All employees

From: Secretary Tom Ridge (your Boss!)

Well, it’s been a long few months, but the Department of Homeland Security is now fully operational.

Thanks to you all, the organizational strategy that we laid out in November has been fully implemented (see previous memo for details), and we’ve even got a website in case you need more details. But for now, you might want to just read these handy Questions and Answers. And then get back to work! Lol! ;-)

Q. Who am I working with?
A. Wow, 170,000 is a lot of employees, isn’t it? And at least 4 of you are Democrats! (lol, rotf!). But you can learn more at next Sunday’s “Welcome Potluck Brunch” for DHS employees, to be held in Arlington, VA. at 1:00 PM. Yes, in the entire city. Just arrive in Arlington, grab a handy copy of the official seating chart, take your potluck offering to the designated Drop Point, and then find your place among the 20,547 DHS dining tables. Your tables will be called sequentially to come on up to the buffet!
One note: Stan from section 25 of Information Analysis and Infrastructure Protection is allergic to egg whites. Let’s show some spirit and avoid those, okay?

Q. How is my new job different from my old job?
A. Well, you’re DHS now, so you can be fired at will! Lol! Just kidding. Kind of. Anyway, you might notice new ID Tags and stationary coming in, but until we work some of the kinks out of the new Information Flow Model, your job is pretty much what it always was. But over the next few months you can expect to see some new faces around your office. These new DHS personnel will provide you with new forms to fill out and procedures to follow while you perform you normal tasks. This level of “safe redundancy” will prevent any security threats from slipping through the cracks. Why, in the first year alone, the employees of DHS will generate 400% more documents than last year. That might sound like a lot of paper, but think of it as reams and reams of safety.

While we await the new Filing Protocols, please store all additional forms in milk crates in your facility’s sub-basement.

Q. Will our oppressively huge and unwieldy new Department really make America more secure?
A. Of course! By bringing you all (figuratively) together under one (metaphorical) roof, we’ve managed to (organizationally speaking) consolidate all of our security resources under the same (multifarious) umbrella. So America is much, much safer.

Q. Seriously?
A. Well, no. But we’re working on it. 8-) See you Sunday!

- Tom