Though you missed it, last night was the Grammy Awards. In case you’ve never heard of ‘em, the Grammys for the past few years have been an unsuccessful reality show in which a group of graying music industry executives heap every conceivable award upon a just-out-of-high-school female singer in the hopes of demonstrating to the world that the recording industry is alive and well.

Last night was no exception, and young Norah Jones walked away with five trophies while proving the old adage, “Sweet-voiced, just-out-of-high-school female singers really make lousy acceptance speeches.” All right, this might not actually be a well-known proverb. But old adages have to start somewhere.

Here are some of last night’s highlights:

- After a rare reunion to perform “The Sound of Silence,” speculation abounded that Simon and Garfunkel were going to reunite, record a new album and tour. Fortunately, Fanatical Apathy caught up with the two of them backstage just after their performance to get the lowdown.

FA: There’s a lot of speculation you two are going to reunite, record a new album and tour. Any truth to that?

SIMON: No.

GARFUNKEL: You bet!

FA: When can we expect the new album?

SIMON: There isn’t going to be a new album.

GARFUNKEL: Maybe next fall. But it’s going to be great! Hey, Paul, I’ve got this idea for a song about crickets. It starts kind of like [singing:] “Hey there, field fiddler/ Fiddle one for me…” Maybe we can get together on Tuesday and-

SIMON: No.

FA: So, what about the tour? Are you going to be playing all the old favorites or breaking out the new stuff?

SIMON: Neither, we’re not touring.

GARFUNKEL: We haven’t decided yet. We’re just so glad to be together again and find that the chemistry’s still there.

SIMON: No it isn’t.

GARFUNKEL: [singing:] “Field fiddler in the night/ dum dee dum dee dum all right…” It really works, man. You should come over and-

SIMON: No.

GARFUNKEL: Hey, Paul, are crickets grasshoppers? That’d be great, because we could rhyme it with “show-stopper,” you know, like they’re-

SIMON: I hate you.

- Much was made of the Grammys’ return to New York City for the first time in five years. Nothing was made of the fact that the show’s absence from New York was due to a nasty, undiplomatic feud between the producers and a pre-canonization Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. Heroism covers a multitude of past sins, including the Deadly ones (which in Rudy’s case included Pride, Anger, Avarice, and Lust - and that’s just in his dealings with the Grammys).

- The new National Academy of Recording Arts President, Neil Portnow, made the annual “The Music Business is Alive and Well” speech. If anyone wants to hear it, I can send you the mp3.

- Elvis Costello, Bruce Springsteen, Dave Grohl, and Silvio from “The Sopranos” offered the best entertainment of the night in a passionate rendition of the Clash’s “London Calling” as a tribute to the late Joe Strummer. Elvis and Bruce seemed unfazed by the Academy’s verdict that despite their mature and thoughtful new albums, both of them had quite a lot of work to do before they could rise to the level of, say, a Norah Jones.
The song itself seemed oddly relevant, both to the event and to the larger events of of the year, so I’ll leave you with a small sample:

“The ice age is coming, the sun is zooming in
Engines stop running and the wheat is growing thin
A nuclear error, but I have no fear
London is drowning-and I live by the river

London calling to the imitation zone
Forget it, brother, an’ go it alone
London calling upon the zombies of death
Quit holding out-and draw another breath”