So last night, while I pondered, weak and weary (bourbon and Chinese food do NOT mix), I started wondering…

Okay, it’s the spring of 2002, and the U.S. is making serious noises about invading Iraq. And they mean it this time. If I’m Saddam Hussein, what am I gonna do?

Well, first and foremost I’d lose the moustache. And then I’d think seriously about dropping 10 or 20 pounds those jowls aren’t go to fix themselves. But then I’d start taking stock of my situation: