MC: Condoleeza’s Fan Dance, ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it again!

[The audience applauds enthusiastically]

MC: And now, ladies and gents, for your general edification, let’s welcome the learned Professor Phineas J. Harkinbarkin, also known as Ari Fleischer, taking your questions in a little number he calls “The Korean Cakewalk!”

[More applause. The band strikes up a zany rag and Ari Fleischer strides onto the stage wearing baggy plaid trousers and ridiculously large glasses. He strides past the lectern, notices his error, and slips while turning around. After much slipping and falling, accompanied by rimshots and riotous laughter, he finally props himself up behind the lectern.]

ARI: Okay, the first thing you gotta know is that the United States won’t be blackmailed. The United States won’t be whitewashed. The United States might be blue-blooded, and the chief used to see pink elephants, but he was caught red-handed and the whole thing cost him some greenbacks, lemme tell you. Whoa!

[He slips backwards from the lectern, executes a spin, and ends up in a leaning at an absurd angle in an attitude of feigned casualness. The audience howls.]

ARI: Now, any pressing queries from the queeries of the press?

REPORTER #1: Yes sir. Ignatius McGonagle, New York Times.

ARI: Good for you. How are things at the Kremlin? Ya know, I used to drive a Kremlin. It got great mileage but I had to share it with a family of forty. Whoa!

[Laughter]

REPORTER #1: Now sir, in your negotiations with the North Koreans, how -

ARI: Hey - hold on there, mister. We are not, NOT, I say, negotiating with the North Koreans.

REPORTER #1: You’re not? But sir, you allowed their envoy to meet with a U.S. Governor, and you’ve dangled trade and humanitarian aid in exchange for the cessation of their nuclear program…

ARI: So what’s yer point?

REPORTER #1: Well, how is that different from capitulating to blackmail or negotiating?

ARI: Well, let me explain a little something to ya, son…

[Ari steps out from behind the lectern and begins to tap dance, a slow time-step that increases in speed and complexity as he launches into a patter song:]

ARI: See, the thing about negotiating
I’ve said it once but I’m restating -
If they wanna tango in Pyongyang-o
They’ll hafta dance to our fandango.
Now those kooks with their nukes
took rebukes from our spooks,
And if they want remuneration
from our firm administration,
Then their shill, Kim Jong Il
Will fulfill - he knows the drill -
And we’ll all do The Unnegotiated Ra-a-a-ag!

[Ari spins furiously around and around, finally landing on one knee, arms outstretched, chest heaving. The audience goes nuts. The band underscores the following with a merry, lilting accompaniment:]

ARI: Ya see, son, a negotiation is when you make an offer you intend to honor. And if you’re on ‘er, you better get off ‘er before I call the cops! But seriously, between putting something on the table and accidentally leaving something on the table there’s a real distinction. And dis really stinks, don’t it? Whoa! No, really, as they say, “Veni, vidi, vici,” which means, “I wreck Iraq? I rock!” Now who wants pudding?

[The audience roars.]

REPORTER #1: Yes, but sir…

[The band kicks it into high gear. Ari begins tap dancing again, even more elaborately than before, and singing:]

ARI: You’re not listening, son-
We are strong, and it’s wrong
For any Tom, Dick or Jong
To believe that he’ll peeve us with his pleas.
Negotiate? We’re irate!
But it’s already on the plate,
Thanks to Clinton, more than hintin’ he’d appease.
Yeah, he blew it, can’t undo it,
Nothing to it, so then screw it -
We’ll all do The Unnegotiated Ra-a-a-ag!

[The curtain falls as the audience cheers. It opens again to tumultuous applause as Ari takes several bows and dances towards the wings, executing a hilarious gag about getting tangled up in the curtain. More applause and whoops as the lights fade.]