January the 13th, 2003

Woke up again with horrible feelings of inadequacy - my manhood is simply too small for its intended purposes. If only there was a guaranteed, safe way to enhance it by one to three inches. Or perhaps four. Then I’d have the necessary accouterments to satisfy my lovers.

Speaking of which, my search for a soul mate continues unfulfilled - is there NO way for an eligible gentleman to meet marriageable women, preferably from overseas? I certainly have the cash to fund her journey to these shores, if only she would make herself known to me… Of course, a nubile Russian lass (ah yes, let us allow our fantasies to spin unfettered - a Russian bride!) would be demanding in the boudoir - satisfying my blushing bride would require a nearly limitless supply of affordable Viagra. I must look into this.

My portfolio is lacking something. Although I have a large amount of ready cash, it strikes me that there must be some sort of way to invest quickly, easily, and risk-free from my own home. Perhaps there is some small African nation or something whose citizenry could supply me with a unique investment opportunity. Obviously, it would take a great deal of seed capital to get such a venture started - but that is money I’m willing to spend if the right deal comes along. Or maybe I could get involved in on the ground floor of some sort of nascent marketing juggernaut.

Certainly, for such a venture I would need to get my credit rating repaired (ah, the indiscretions of youth!). I’d imagine there must be some way to do this without too much trouble. Taking advantage of some long-ignored loophole, let us imagine, that for a nominal fee would clear my name with alacrity, that is the remedy I seek. Perhaps the renewed sense of confidence that stems from an elongated (and thicker) manliness would make my quest easier. Once again, it comes back to that - the need for enhanced genitalia and a ready supply of Viagra (or some sort of all-natural but equally effective herbal alternative) to ensure proper functionality.

Of course, an endowment of that magnitude would need to be supported by the proper musculature, and I confess to have been somewhat lax about my exercise regimen of late. Once again my hopes turn to science - if we can send a man to the moon, is it not plausible that we could produce a pill that, when ingested, burns away fat cells and instantly creates a veritable “six-pack” of rock-hard abs? I can’t help but believe that such a drug exists - but where?

Such grand dreams! But for now I must continue as I am - a bored gentleman of means. Though in my mind there exists a picture of another me, a man who strides boldly down the street, new Russian bride on his arm, politely ignoring the admiring glances towards his flat abdomen and the unmistakable bulge of the burgeoning monstrosity of oxen-like endowment beneath, striding with said beautiful spouse (obviously satiated - see her blushes?) towards the bank, there to deposit the fruits of his remarkably successful business that has required no work, no toil, but only the bravery and vision to avail himself of a few initial investment opportunities that the faint-hearted lumpenprole were too fearful to seize…

The means must exist. Perchance I’ll amble down to my local purveyor of electronic devices and purchase one of those new computing machines that allows for nearly instantaneous communications. Such a device, I’d imagine, would also be used by those enterprising individuals who might offer me the very services I seek.

Off, then, off to the future!