Guantanamo Bay Prisoners’ Newsletter

by Corporal Michael “Drop and Give Me” Tennifield

Hey guys! Happy One Year Anniversary, Guantanamo Bay Detention Center!

Here’s just another friendly update on what’s happening in and around the camp, courtesy of me, everyone’s favorite Corporal! There’s a lot happening, so let’s get right to it…

Mark Your Calendars
Or at least scratch a notch in your leg irons! Because next Thursday is Captain McIntyre’s birthday. We soldiers are planning a little shindig for him, but there’s no reason why you detainees can’t wish him a “Happy Birthday” (or however you say it in Islamese) or even make him a little card or something. “Mackie” would love it, trust me!

Your Detainee Status
You’re all free to go. Not! Seriously, it seems that one of you got ahold of a newspaper and read a report that says that at least 59 of you “have no meaningful connection to al Qaeda or the Taliban” and “were deemed to be of no intelligence value after repeated interrogations in Afghanistan.” Before you get your hopes up, I gotta tell you that nobody in the U.S. really paid any attention to this li’l news item. It was Christmastime, folks were busy. So all I can tell you is we’ll look into it - we can’t rush these things.
Meanwhile, you’re free to send your info to our Office of Instant Releases, located in the World Trade Cen