The reviews are in! President Bush’s latest tax-cut plan is the hottest starlet to hit the scene in years!

Reuters raves, “Stocks surged on Monday, bolstered by hopes the Bush administration’s $600 billion economic stimulus plan can jump-start U.S. growth and help cure the market after a 3-year hangover!” The A.P. gushed “Dow soars on tax-cut anticipation!” ABC went nuts for the hothothot! plan and its effect on a swooning market, saying, “Stocks Gain, Street Cheers Stimulus Plan!” Even the Indianapolis Star wasn’t immune to this hot li’l package’s charms, trumpeting, “Wall Street registers enthusiasm for tax cut!”

The comparison to entertainment news isn’t really fair; these days, “Entertainment Tonight” and E! generally offer sharper, less credulous reporting than the national news press corps .

What largely failed to register amid the wolf-whistles and va-va-vooms! was the fact that the tax cut package lacks brains, talent, and isn’t even that pretty. So why’s Wall Street drooling? What accounts for the Dow’s noticeable bulge?

It’s the silicone, stupid.

Ordinarily, the Street reacts to economic plans with a consensual prediction about how good it will be for the economy; when people (particularly rich people) are going to have more money, the Street approves. But the Bush plan leads with an an artificial enhancement - the complete elimination of the tax on stock dividends.

This is the economic equivalent of breast implants. Investors are free to goggle and whoop, ignoring the dopey face above and the horribly emaciated figure beneath. Because whatever the plan might mean for the economy in general, its dividend tax cut makes stocks a better investment. Stocks in profitable companies will now yield better returns, even in a recession. But this artificial swell does have some consequences. It’s booby-trapped, if you’ll pardon the expression (and if you’ve read this far, I’m guessing you probably will).

With those gaudy new gazongas, the market will no longer move as naturally with the economy. When the economy starts to plummet (for instance, with the loss of a few thousand jobs), the market will just… hang there for a moment or two, stiffly and unnaturally, as investors cling to the now-untaxed prospective dividends like flotation devices. And, though starlets aren’t noted for their long term thinking, there may eventually be serious consequences in terms of the nation’s long-term health as a feeble economy struggles to support the weight of all that pert plastic pulchritude.

All right, at this point even the metaphor is starting to bear some telltale stretch marks. But make no mistake - the Bush plan is sheer cosmetic surgery, and the effect of the dividend tax cut is extraordinarily deceptive. And as for putting taxes under the knife yet again… well, have you seen Joan Rivers attempt to smile lately?