First Quarter

- In his State of the Union address, George W. Bush announces that the Axis of Evil now includes "Asia, Africa, and most of New England." His eagerly anticipated education platform includes the hotly contested replacement of reading tests with "Rebus Comprehension."

- Trent Lott introduces the "VERY Affirmative Action Bill" on the Senate floor. It goes nowhere.

- Miramax, in an unprecedented move, retroactively unreleases Roberto Benigni’s "Pinocchio."

- February 2nd Ð The groundhog emerges from his burrow, sniffs the air tentatively, and explodes. As portents go, some consider this a bit worrisome.

- The new Senate passes tax reform legislation, providing a total tax exemption for anyone who "stimulates the economy by earning $200,000 or more."

- "Operation Bitch Slap" overthrows Saddam Hussein. A grateful, liberated populace celebrates their newfound freedom by throwing rocks at the occupying forces.

Second Quarter

- A guy named Stan makes everybody regret they came to the office Memorial Day cookout.

Third Quarter

- The Department of Homeland Security reorganizes, creating a new sub-department for each of its 17,000 employees. The new Department of Domestic Tranquility and Vegetative Security Issues (formerly known as "Ted McNulty") calls for further reorganization, citing "poor communications and personnel issues within my department."

- The newly installed Iraqi leader institutes state-enforced Sharia Law, signs a treaty with Iran, and requests the withdrawal of U.S.-led forces.

- Dick Cheney has his 9th heart attack. Enthusiastic doctors call it "his best yet," and point out that the Vice President has never let his heart interfere with his political or business affairs.

- Michael Jackson eats his baby. Says later that his "inner child wanted someone to play with."

- Trent Lott introduces legislation to make "Biggie Smalls Day" a national holiday. It goes nowhere.

- On national television, Ann Coulter executes her trademark "I Can’t Believe You Said That" sea bass gape in response to a well-known Democratic viewpoint. Proving a long-discredited parental adage, her face sticks that way.

Fourth Quarter

- Denying racial insensitivity and calling it an expression of pride in their heritage, Georgia voters approve a referendum to add a noose and a white hood to their state flag.

- The Department of Homeland Security’s "Freedom Guard" issues Citizen Identification Tattoos and institutes a National Curfew (9 PM) in order to "secure our essential liberties"

- Trent Lott introduces the "Give Black People Whatever They Want (Because They’re a Great Bunch of Folks) Act" on the Senate floor. It goes nowhere.

- The Lord of the Rings: "The Return of the King" opens even bigger than its predecessors, partly due to hordes of confused Elvis fans.

- The Administration blames a third straight year of economic doldrums on Clinton, terrorists, and a witch’s curse. The Department of Homeland Security rounds up suspected witches and witch-sympathizers.

- Bush begins secretly funding "Saddamist" rebels in Islamist Iraq.