This is my last week on “Talkshow” (no, I haven’t been fired - we’re about to shoot episodes #21 and #22), so I’ll be dropping by a lot more often… very soon. We’ll get together then, you know we’ll have a good time then.

Meanwhile, I am going to assign some homework.

I’ve noticed in the past couple of days that the Democrats’ big win has caused some of the right’s pundits and players to become unhinged. Okay, more so, I guess. Intemperate accusations, loud scramblings for position, inchoate anger, and crazy, asymmetrical eye movements.

It’s not pretty, but it is a lot of fun. And I’d like to see it documented in the Comments below.

I’ll get us started with this pleasant double dose, from Sean Hannity and Michelle Malkin.

Have at it.

By now everyone in America knows that Nancy Pelosi isn’t actually an anti-establishment radical San Francisco anarchist. Married to the same man for 43 years, she’s the mother of five, grandmother of twenty-two, she’s told the press. To make the point further, she’s added Italian-American, Baltimore, and Catholic to her list of self-identifiers.

I’m kind of into the Old World Saint Christopher-devoted Tarantella-dancing Nancy Pelosi. I’m imagining her at the Speaker’s podium, shrouded in black, gavel in one hand, garlic in the other - to ward off the mal’occhio of an envious Dennis Hastert. (You can also use rock salt wrapped in aluminum or a piece of amethyst to protect yourself from the evil eye.)

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I meant to just post an “open thread” for Election Day discussion. But I can’t stop my fingers from making one or two small points.

- Vote. It’s fun! And once you’ve voted, hang around the voting machine to enjoy a print-out of its interpretation of your choices. If the machine has a different set of choices, don’t get snippy. Remember that you’re human and therefore fallible, and you probably no longer recall who you voted for.

- If the Democrats DO manage to win a house or two, many of us will owe the Republican establishment a gigantic apology for alleging that their money-changing and machine-fixing ways had stolen our democracy. That apology CAN take the form of something like “I’m sorry I thought you were a lot better at cheating than you actually are.” Still, that does count as an apology. And I sincerely hope you get the chance to offer it.

- Ignore those exit polls. They had vast, reliable predictive power in the 20th century, but mathematical laws have changed since then.

- Despite this blog’s content, keep it positive. There’s a long, exciting day ahead of us. Vast conspiracies are very, very hard. Voting is easy.


Finally, if you need a break from your fretting and stumping, please enjoy one of my recently-aired masterpieces from “Talkshow.”  I’m very, very proud to bring you… “Horrifyingly Sexy Larry King.”

Juan y Mo

Here I am with the new Juan Valdez! This picture was taken recently at a gala for Colombians and Colombian-Americans, in association with the Smithsonian Latino Center in DC. Eventually the Latino Center will be its own museum on the mall.

My mother is Colombian. (She became a US citizen about 10 years ago but maintains dual citizenship.) This gala benefit, held at the old Smithsonian castle, honored Colombians working in the media and arts in the US. Patricia Cardoso (director of Real Women Have Curves) was there, as was fashion designer Esteban Cortazar (featured last year as a judge on Project Runway).

My mother came with me. She’s very introverted and not really impressed by celebrities. So I was surprised when she leapt at Cristina Saralegui (Latin America’s Oprah) and screamed, “Cristina! I see you on TV!” Flat out lie. My mother watches baseball and Judge Judy.
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I’ve been working 24 hours a day, but my sister has been working much, much longer hours. And in her case, it has paid off. In the form of tomorrow’s superstar, Hugo Norbert Holland.

Hugo first!

How about that, eh? At the moment, my contact with my sparkly new nephew is by email only, but I’ll be heading to his digs in a couple of weeks so I can set him straight about a few things. It’s what uncling is all about.

The Predict the Surprise Contest is in its last days, and so far the only surprise has been the complete lack of surprises.  I’m surprised.

And the polls seem to be sliding further and further away from the GOP, creating a GOP Gap not seen since the 70’s.  [Side note - why have there been no talented graphic artists creating “GOP” ads that look like “GAP” ads?  Or have I just missed those?]

I can’t believe that the entrenched party is going to take this lying down.  There has to be something beyond their customary “Get out and vote or gay immigrants are going to abort your baby” routine.  But Halloween’s almost here and that much-anticipated Other Shoe is still hovering over the heartland.  Those Rove-drones only have 9 more days…

…unless they don’t.  Unless they have more time.  Unless something is going to happen that actually delays Election Day.  Think about it.  More time could be bought and democracy will have to wait a few weeks as someone sorts out the terrorist threat or those faulty electronic voting machines or SOMETHING… while public opinion is wrangled and shifted…  it’s so crazy it just might work…

Or something like that.  The Contest continues below.

I’m still out of sorts. It’s been two days and I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I’m angry.

No, fists were not thrown. Still it was a very heated altercation, my first as in adult in a public space. Security had to be called. Appropriately enough it was at a sports arena - the BankNorth Garden in Boston.

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This morning I awoke to find these headlines as my Yahoo homepage’s four “Top Stories:”

West can’t abandon Iraq, says deputy PM

Iran won’t retreat from atomic rights: president

Diplomacy but still no end to Korean crisis

Taliban leader warns of fierce fighting to come

Jeepers, I thought, though I didn’t use the word “jeepers.” Look at that. Those stories have something in common. Something familiar. Something that links them all…

Oh, yeah.
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It’s just been announced that the President is having a previously unscheduled sitdown with military leaders — and Donald Rumsfeld — this weekend. Apparently a major “strategy shift” is planned. And what’s is the “strategy shift?”

“Come Up With a Strategy.”

That’s right–President Bush is going to spend this weekend coming up with a strategy for bringing Democracy and stability to Iraq, and to bring American troops home. (Preferably before November 7th, but not on November 6th, so as not to distract from the GOP’s planned “National Free Gasoline Day.”)

Among the things the President hopes to run up the flagpole?

  1. Teach non-English speaking Iraqis that the definition of “Democracy” is “(noun) A Brutally Intolerant Theocracy.”
  2. Have all American soldiers announce that they are “going out for cigarettes,” and then abandon the nation. Like many absentee fathers who have pulled such a stunt, the American military force will be resented for this, but they will always loom large in the development of young Iraq. They will be hostile for a while, but then come to grips with their abandonment issues and feel “pity” rather than “hostility” towards us.
  3. Wait until after election day, when hopefully “Cut N’ Run” Democrats will offer the President the option of a “Impeach N’ Resign” way out.

Ten days ago my sister cogently pointed out that I, Adam, am an idiot.

I have proved her point by waiting that extra ten days. But today I’m going to try to prove that being an idiot doesn’t make me a moron. I understand that having a well-traveled blog is an opportunity of sorts, and that if one has… say… a book to sell, well then, mentioning it when its name comes up in the media, particularly the highly-respected major outlets, is… potentially useful from a sales standpoint. I get this. I do.
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